I went out with The Girls the other evening. They are a lovely group of women, smart, funny, and thoughtful, I enjoy them a great deal. On the way home I was reviewing the night in my mind, reliving the highlights, and realized how socially awkward I have become. It was as if at certain points in the evening as if my mouth was possessed by some needy, approval seeking, self centered teenager. One of the ladies will have shared something about themselves, and rather than letting them have the moment, and just listen or acknowledge their point of view, I had a compulsion to share a similar event in my life, like I was competing for attention. I was totally disgusted with myself.
I grew up in a large loud family. I take pride in the fact that they all feel as if they can talk to me about anything and can just listen and empathize, letting them have their time. Why the heck am I having such a hard time translating this trait into friendships?? Am I that insecure? Am I that self-centered? Have been isolated for so long that I have forgotten how to talk to people? What am I missing???? Whatever it is I need to find a way to stop it as it only makes me feel worse about myself and not want to be around people.
Next time I am hanging out with my friends I will challenge myself to ask them a question about their story rather than relate one of my own immediately. Maybe this will help. I want so badly to be a good friend, one who listens when needed, lends a helping hand when wanted, and glories in their successes, letting them have their moments in the sun. I want to be like my idol Polly in An Old-Fashioned Girl!